no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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