I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
