my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How does one acquire holy water?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My feet surprised me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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