guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
