i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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