Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
