I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
