i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize