Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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