Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
