Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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