I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize