My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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