and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
