I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
