So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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