wakey wakey hands off snakey
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
