I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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