I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have already put on my inside pants.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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