i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
