I wannas sexs uuuuu
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I am spending my child support on dildos
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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