She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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