Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
