There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
