I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize