That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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