It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize