Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize