Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
