Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
