did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
