I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
