Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
