I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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