i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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