My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
