Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize