8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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