Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
