I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
