I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
