I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
