Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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