just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
