I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize