Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize