I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
