That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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