how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So apparently I’m into choking now
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