i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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