i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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