God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
