My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
