my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
