If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
