from now on my penis is your penis
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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