How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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