I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
