Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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